On Love, Loss, Pets, and Being Human

It’s been a rough week.

So I’m going to do something most business owners would never consider doing.

I’m going to be entirely human with you today.

No business advice, no recommendations, no case studies, just open, honest, and totally, utterly, emotionally human.

I lost one of my cats on Tuesday.

If you read this newsletter with any regularity, you know I have (had) 4 cats. 3 black fuzzy house panthers and one skinny tabby cat. I frequently share pictures of them here because they’re a wonderful part of my life.

The tabby cat is the one I lost.

His Name Was Nanner

He came to me later in his life when a friend had to move and their new place wouldn’t accept pets. I knew that if Nanner ended up in a shelter, he’d be hard to find a home for as a senior cat. He was already in the early stages of kidney disease, which is an added expense most pet owners don’t want to deal with right away. So, he joined me and Irusan here in Ventura.

He quickly became my office mate and “copy editor.” He loved sitting in my lap while I was trying to write around him. His favorite thing to do while I was in a meeting was to rub up against my computer screen. He’d also regularly add unintelligible strings of characters to my projects when he walked across, or even sat on the keyboard.

He was my meditation partner. Insisting that I pet him while I meditated, despite the fact that I was supposed to be still and focused. (Honestly, I found petting him very meditative, so I didn’t object.)

He kept me entertained with his silly antics. Even when he’d start yowling in the middle of the day, and the middle of the night, to declare his “hunting prowess” as he dragged one of his toys around the house.

He was a wonderful cat. And I loved him.

I Knew Going Into This That It Was Not a “Long-Term Relationship”

Nanner was 13 when he came to me, and as I mentioned, he already had kidney disease. I knew that when he wriggled his way into my heart, butting his head under my hand to be petted, purring loudly when he sat on my lap, being his normal kitty self, that he wouldn’t be with me for his full lifetime, like my other cats.

Even though I saw it coming well over a year ago, when he was diagnosed with pancreatitis on top of the kidney disease.

Even though I did everything I could to keep him happy and healthy for as long as possible.

Even though, up to the very end, he wanted to be near me to be petted and loved…

Taking him into the vet to have him mercifully put to sleep on Tuesday hurt so much.

Pets come to us to teach us about love and mortality. I have always known this. It doesn’t make it any easier when they leave.

There is a Nanner-shaped hole in my heart now. I know it will gradually heal and be filled in with all the wonderful, and a few annoying, memories of him. That will take time. And right now, everything still feels raw and open.

This poem, which I found on the wall of my former vet’s office in Longmont, Colorado, perfectly expresses how I’m feeling right now.

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh yes, quite so, replied the precious soul.
And as a cat, you know I am able to decide
most anything for myself

Are you coming then? Asked God
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me quite certainly

But don’t they understand? Asked God
That you’ll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined? For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is…forever and ever?

Eventually they will understand
Replied the glorious cat
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am… Forever and ever and ever.

I don’t know who wrote it. There was no attribution. But it makes me cry every time I read it.

I am trying to stay functional. I am trying to go about my “normal” life, working, writing, dancing… But he was a huge part of my normal life, and he’s gone.

It’s really hard.

If you’re reading this and thinking “It’s just a cat,” you’ve probably never had a cat. Anyone who has lived with a cat knows they are so much more than “just a cat.” Honestly, this is true of all pets.

Personally, it is harder for me to lose a pet than it is to lose some humans. Not all, I have lost beloved family members and had this same ginormous sense of loss. But pets are as much a part of our families as any other human.

Why Am I Sharing All of This with You?

To remind you to be human in everything you do.

Your business…

Your daily life…

Your interactions with other living beings of all types.

Because ultimately, we are one huge ecosystem, relying on each other for so many things. Including love, comfort, and companionship.

Please hug those you love. Tell them how much they mean to you, regardless of the type of relationship you may have. Love comes in many forms and it is always welcome, even when it feels awkward.

I wish it was a word we used more frequently. I think it would do us all a world of good.

And if you have them, please give your pets extra scritches from me.

Thank you for letting me remember my Nanner to you.

And thank you for being part of my community. I love you. Not in a weird way, in a human-to-human, interconnected way.

I promise I will be back to my regular “business-y” self, next week.

Meanwhile, please enjoy the pictures of Nanner. He was the bestest boy.

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